What Boys Think of Your Clothes – Tony

Sometimes, I ask my guy friends what they think about women’s fashion. Sometimes they’re not very loquacious, like Sinan and Sami, but sometimes I get lucky (so to speak) and get great answers like the ones below. Meet Tony. Tony and I met in college during a Writing class; he’s obviously a very talented writer. Ladies, here he’s giving us some very funny but yet very true advice. Read on!

P.S. None of these pics are mine. I found them in the vastness that is the Internet.

Name: Tony D
Age: 25
Occupation: Recent graduate (i.e., bum)
City: Tampa FL
Relationship Status: Single
Sexiest thing a woman can wear: That would have to be what Shania Twain was wearing in the video for Man I Feel Like a Woman

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a fashionista. I couldn’t tell you what’s “in” at the moment, or who the current editor of Vogue is. I couldn’t tell the difference between Louis Vuitton, Christian Louboutin (yes, I had to Google the spelling), or any of those other foreign dudes if they didn’t feel the need to slap their names on everything they create. Names, by the way, I can barely even pronounce. I don’t wear scarves, especially during the summer. I mean really, who does that? I will admit to enjoying a good necktie (bowties, however, need not apply). I like Lady Gaga’s music, but everything else about her is just plain weird. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I am just an average guy (who, according to the primary author of this blog, may or may not be too white to pick up Latin babes…but what does she know, right guys?…Right?…Guys?)

CLICKY-CLICKY FOR MORE TONY!

Fortunately for everyone taking the time to read this, fashion DOES matter to the average guy, although maybe not in the most obvious ways. The primary purpose for me is to try to gain as much information as possible about a girl just from an initial glance. Let’s face it, picking winners out of a crowd ain’t easy, especially if you live in a place where there are millions of people. I COULD try talking to every girl I meet and hope something sticks, but really, who has the time? My PS3 isn’t going to play itself, after all. Instead, I take the civilized approach and judge the shit out of people based on the way they look. Years of experience has taught me that more sophisticated dressers tend to be more sophisticated women. (The reverse of that is also true unfortunately) Shameless plug: If you want to know what I mean, pay attention to the girl who regularly occupies this space. She knows what she’s talking about.
Before I start talking about the looks I was tasked with judging, I want to say first and foremost that by far the most important fashion accessory anyone has is their face. Anything you wear should direct peoples’ eyes right to the moneymaker, or else you risk your clothes becoming a distraction and consuming your personality instead of amplifying it. I know the faces have been blocked out, which of course makes me curious as hell, but that’s just something to keep in mind as you read.

Let’s start off with the shoes. Maybe a little out of place now that fall has started, but I definitely prefer something like this to flip-flops. Low key and fashion forward at the same time. On a non-fashion note, am I the only one worried that shoes like this will give you bunions from hell? There is seriously zero arch support there.

Crazy shoulderpad girl…where to begin? I wouldn’t so much look at a girl wearing something like this as I would gawk at her. Going back to the whole GaGa thing, this is a style that doesn’t really work. For anyone. The rise of her career has brought with it an almost 80s level of ostentation in fashion, and I feel like this unfortunate situation is a direct consequence. Again, I’m not really in the fashion loop, but I would assume that anyone wearing something like this is a weirdo. It kinda reminds me of the story about the emperor’s new clothes, where a few guys at the top told the emperor that he looked great even though he was a naked fool. Bottom line, I would hope anyone with a discerning eye would rather wear nothing at all than this thing. Also, why hot pants? If anyone out there can explain anything about this picture to me, I would really appreciate it.

Full disclosure: I love girls in hats. Fedoras, baseball caps, those weird beanie things with the propeller on them; doesn’t matter because I’m going to enjoy it. The other thing I really like about this girl is that she wears pants that fit. I get the impression that a lot of women out there feel the need to buy jeans that are a size too small and end up with that oh-so-sexy muffin top effect. Making sure your pants fit your hips will always make you look better.

This is the sort of dress that would really catch my eye. She manages to be sexy and fashionable without having to show so much cleavage it would make Nicki Minaj blush. Animal print seems to be one of the worst things to over-do in an outfit, (I have a specific zebra jacket I saw once in mind) but the leopard here keeps things interesting below the waistline since it shows a lot of leg and yet still manages to leave plenty to the imagination. And a total guy question on the clutch bag: Don’t you ladies get tired carrying those things around? The design just seems a little inconvenient.

Yellow is a tough color to pull off, so pale people beware! It’s a definite eye-grabber though, so if you can manage it yellow is a great way to stand out. The pattern gives me something to look at and the pink shoes are a nice touch and show a discerning eye. Being able to make interesting color combinations instead of just trying to get everything to match shows a level of sophistication that goes beyond the norm, and as a said earlier: Sophistication=Sexy.